My rounded belly had me laid out on the couch again watching three palm trees stand tall in the heat outside of our front window. It’s always so dreadfully hot in August and being pregnant didn’t do anything to help me out either. I remember how tired I was. My third pregnancy had left me feeling old as the countdown to her due date began to tick the final weeks away. 

The heat was a tangible declaration of the uncomfortableness of my swollen belly.  But for some reason, I decided to roll that big belly with that sweet baby and grouchy momma off the couch and out the front door into the 100+ degree heat. 

I stood there eyes on the sunset and stubbornly thought, “I will find something to praise the Lord for in my weariness. I will grow gratitude when the heat wants to melt me away.” A spiritual practice for my desert-dwelling, and more than a little swollen, self. 

Despite the heat and ache of my body, I saw beauty in those palm trees, the sunset, and the kick in my belly. She was with me then, safely tucked away within. It was a moment where she and I stood before the Lord resolute to praise Him despite the sticky sweat beginning to burn off of my skin. 

She and I lasted 10 minutes outside in the sun that day. I am now stuck in the scorching sun of her death for the rest of my life. I cannot escape it now even as the weather cools. It is much harder to praise Him in this desert without her.  Lord let me grow an unwavering song of praise against this heat. I did not fully know what I was trying to do then. I did not know how excruciating it would be to bear the burden of the increasing temperature. My daughter will teach me to stand.