Written October 2024

I hear the birds. The weather is cooling off. The outdoors are calling, offering its songs and beckoning us toward joy and life.

This world offers beauty – extending its hand with blessed gifts for the senses. A cup of coffee in the crisp morning. The steady closeness and support of my husband. The melody of my two living children singing, dancing and laughing all at once. The sights of the mountains and stars make me feel both totally awestruck and insignificant—the intricate beauty of a flower. The shades of color displayed on rocks as if on a canvas. The unseen worlds high above in the trees. The smell of bread in the oven and rain in the desert. There is beauty here. 

You experienced some of this. You knew the sweet taste of milk, the comfort of my breast. The giggles and comforting whispers of love poured out by your biggest sister. The bounce and aftershocks of a delighted two-year-old jumping on her parent’s bed as you took refuge cradled in my arms. You know the strength of your daddy’s hand beneath you—the smell of your Mimi’s perfume. You’ve seen the big blue sky and felt the sun on your skin. 

But you didn’t see, feel, smell, hear or know all the beautiful things – these earthy delights of the senses.  How I long for you to be laying on my chest, taking in the dance of the trees swaying above your head. Your sister loved that when she was two months old – how old you would be now but never will be. I can picture you laid out in a white onesie pajama proclaiming you as the “Little Sister” of three. Full head of dark hair with a slight balding patch on the back by this point – just like your sisters. I can see your eyes beginning to glitter as your smile erupts and you soak in the life of this new-to-you world.

You are beautiful in my memory and my make-believe, my love. 

Yes, this world offers goodness still. But I will try not to ask more of it than it can give me. I will work hard to receive and accept the beautiful gifts it’s offering me today though my treasure is held elsewhere and unreachable for now. 

I will wait on the One who will return to me the most beautiful treasure of you – our Gemma Rose. I will ask Him because He is the only one who can. Until he answers, I will wait on Him. Knocking on the doors of heaven and harassing Him, “How long, O Lord? Please do not tarry.”