Written: February 6, 2025

Another clump of hair clings to the shower wall. 
It’s been days of this.
My hairbrush is full.
I tear out the strands daily. 
I can tell my hair is thinning.

This is a normal occurrence post-partum, to shed hair.
It’s occurred with all three of my babies.
Previously only a minor inconvenience
Highlighting the abundance of strands only He knows how many.

Now, sometimes those strands of hair on the shower wall infuriate me;
Sometimes they make me weep under the hot water;
Sometimes they feel like friendly companions to my salty tears;
Because my body remembers the baby whose supposed to be here. 
Months later my body sheds more than tears for the treasure we’ve lost.

This is not a normal occurrence postpartum. 
To find both despair and comfort in a wad of hair on the shower wall. 

Sometimes I stand in the shower and try to hand express.
To see if there is any remaining drop
of what should have sustained her life until now. 
There is – yet it is harder to come to the surface,
unlike the flashbacks and memories
that either haunt me with horror
or wrap me in the warmth of her memory. 

This too, is normal and not normal. 
But because I am her mom still,
Whether she be here or with Him,
This is normal for me. 

I stretch to both sides
Feeling the heat from the water
My body remembers again
Stretching under the same stream
In the same way
With a belly unscarred
and full of a baby named Gemma Rose.

I am her mother. I gave birth to her months ago.
My body should remember
And I am so glad it is not just my heart alone.