Written: August 11, 2025

In the beginning, I remember hearing,
“Early grief is the first two years.”

In the beginning, I remember wondering,
“How could anyone bear this pain for years?”

We are no longer at that beginning, 
but still, it is the beginning. 
And I continue to wonder,
“How did we bear this pain for a year? 
How did we survive a year without the cries, giggles, and presence 
of our littlest daughter and sister?
How will we do this for the rest of our lives?”

Our littlest daughter, Gemma Rose.
Our Beautiful treasure.
Despite the searing pain, I would do it over –
To know you
To love you
To hold you
To kiss you
To sing a lullaby. 
To touch your hair.
Look at your sleepy eyes.
See your fingers curled around mine.
Hear your cries. 

I often still cry out as I did in the beginning
“I want to do it over! 
Let me do it over!
Let me try again!
Let me keep her.”

And I would do it over even if I didn’t get to keep her. 
Just to get to say her name to her. 

How did we make it this far, Lord?
How will we make it the rest of our lives?
How do we carry a heavy hole in our hearts,
and be grateful it was filled at one point?

Psalm 123

To you I lift up my eyes,
    O you who are enthroned in the heavens!
Behold, as the eyes of servants
    look to the hand of their master,
as the eyes of a maidservant
    to the hand of her mistress,
so our eyes look to the Lord our God,
    till he has mercy upon us.

Have mercy upon us, O Lord, have mercy upon us,
    for we have had more than enough of contempt.

Psalm 131 

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
    my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
    too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord
    from this time forth and forevermore.

Psalm 130

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the Lord!
    For with the Lord there is steadfast love,
    and with him is plentiful redemption.